As we all know, I am probably one of the most vulgar and unfiltered people out there. I don’t care much about what other people think about me, and although I may have not always been this way, in the last decade or so I have become pretty comfortable with who I am. I speak my mind, and if you don’t like it, hey thats your problem. I am who I am.
So while away this past weekend with good friends we partook in memorial day barbecue esque festivities. I met new people etc. However I clearly was not wasted enough for a boy whose name I cannot pronounce for the life of me, so instead I am dubbing him “Shaq-Bobby.” Now SB is either really desperate or really stupid (I am going to go with a combination of the two) because he took my vulgarity to a whole new level that it was never meant to go.
Now, I think that my mistake came when I revealed that sometimes when I’m getting a pedicure I get turned on. No, its not from the asian woman rubbing my feet. Its pressure point shit. Google it if you don’t believe me. There points on your body (one in your foot in particular, that if you push it the right way, you may get a little wet in the nether region).
So Im revealing this fact to my drunk friends, thinking nothing of it, because they expect this kind of nonsense from my mouth, when SB decides that he wants to cozy on up to me on the sectional sofa. This I said “Hey no big deal.” After all, I had Chach on the one side using my elbow as a pillow (I don’t know how she thought it was comfortable), so I thought no big deal. I was the asshole who took the corner piece-thats prime territory right there. Your asking for it if you decide to pass out there, not to mention I took the only pillow on the entire couch. (Why there was only one pillow for an entire living room set I do not know).
Im pippin it with Chach on the one side and SB on the other. Were all chatting in and out while we try to fall asleep. People sprawled out everywhere. The SB starts rubbing my hand. Okay I think, he’s probably just bored trying to fall asleep. Its like 5 am after all. No big deal. I do stuff idly like that all the time.
Well no SB is a freakin weirdo. Rubbing all sorts of pressure points on my arms and hands and hip bones (Thank god I wore a long dress). Like he clearly mistook my conversation about the nail lady. Next thing I know he’s got my fingers in his mouth. FUCKING GROSS. I don’t know where your shit has been, when the last time you brushed your teeth was, like nastyyyy. Its gross enough I have to share my space with you, and this pillow with your gross hair. (I don’t know what it is but dudes seem to think they don’t have to use shampoo on a regular basis).
Girls are meant to suck on guys’ fingers. Its like “Oh imagine what I can do with your dick” kinda thing. Not guys on girls. Like what you think Im packing a package under my skirt? Dont touch me I don’t know you. Leave the sucking to the girls and keep your hands to yourself, you should be thankful I shared my portion of the sofa and your not on the floor that someone puked all over.
I roll over hoping he gets the message to not freakin touch me. And he puts a little notey think on his phone and it reads “Should I stop hypnotizing you?” WTFFFFFFFF
Hypnotizing REALLY? Is that what the kids call it these days. Like yeah you couldn’t tell when I rolled the fuck over that you should stop touching me. I am not HYPnotized, I’m TRAUMAtized. Guys, you need to learn when the girls are giving you the signal and when they aren’t. Because I in no way shape or form said that I thought this boy was in any way attractive but he seems to think this is an invitation to “hypnotize” me. Clearly someone has been watching a little too much Cris Angel.
I wanted to share with y’all (from my new macbook of coarse) a short status update from Mr Golden Dick down the street. The plot thickens, or in my case congeals, because it turns out his girlfriend is a friend of the family’s. Yes, thats right. In fact the two of them go to family functions together and we have to endure his scummy face and her love lit eyes, when he knows he’s putting his pork in another barrel. *Shaking my head*
Moi
Over the past weekend this question has been posed to me a number of times. Although in this month’s issue of Cosmo, they argue that men have insecurities about coming too fast, not size- I would most certainly beg to differ.
At the bar, I was dragged around by my best friend who wanted me to confirm the size of his dick as well as his skills. Gay, straight, he didnt care, as long as his colleagues knew just how amazing he was. (Needless to say being the sarcastic jerk that I am, I played around with it).
So anyway, later as were recounting our cinco de mayo antics, he asks me how size matters. Now weve had this conversation before and I gave him the same answer as the first 3 times. Yes, Ive had bigger, but he was better.
Then the next day a girl friend asked me the same question. “how big is too big?” And oh let me tell you there is such a thing. I dont enjoy choking on your dick, I dont like gagging, I dont like when you ram it in the back attempting for it to go deeper than deep throat. Bitch you cant go deeper than deep throat! I dont want to swallow you!
And for that matter, I dont want you to make me vom either. With your dick so far back there it aint coming out my mouth, an honey you are not worth having puke come out my nose. Sorry.
So yes, slightly smaller is in fact better. Just enough to fit it all in your mouth comfortably. It wont jab your neck like a pike, and it wont rip you a new vagina either. Manageable people, manageable.
View from the bat cave! (Taken with instagram)
I hate when the weird kid who doesnt keep up with himself, trims his mohawk and shaves off his creepy china-man beard that he used to braid and secretly put beads in, and you realize there is actually decent bone structure under there. They getcha everytime!
Todays post is probably a little more depressing than my other posts (and full of more spell check errors since Im doing this from my iphone in history class) might as well multitask since I pay to be here and listen to the teacher not student presentations.
I pose to you what happens when your prince charming isnt so princely afterall? And its not that hes not a nice guy or not what you thought, hes everything as perfect as you always knew he was, but once you have him, hes just not so “wow” factor anymore. He moves from untouchable to touchable. I mean lets face it ladies, youve had him and you loved it, but do you ever just cringe and realize that you no longer want to jump his bones? That even seeing him naked would be weird? By treating him as a friend (which all us dream girls imagine our prince charmings to be-our best friends) but by moving him into the friendzone, the thought of kissing him seems like illegal incest? We cant all be from the boondocks of alabama.
So what happens when hes not your golden boy anymore? I had my eye on someone for quite a long time and hed always been my backup plan (sorry hun! I just love your company so much!) he was good looking, flirty, fun, made me laugh, and I could be casual and carefree with him. Id always imagine that if worse comes to worse Id end up with him. Well now I feel like I woke up on christmas morning only to find socks in all my presents. I could glorify him when i didnt have him, and now hes as real as you and me. Not that thats a bad thing, were all human. But its like watching the notebook after youve slept with ryan gosling- all the magic is gone. Its a good thing were not trying to be romantic (although maybe if we were laying on the romantic schmop (not a spellcheck- im creating it) things would be different). Point is: I feel its a topic many of you have experienced at one point or another.
Ladies, have you ever noticed that the girls with the skinny eyebrows always get all the attention? Drawn on, plucked into a line that resembles dental floss… it does’nt matter, just the skinnier the better.
And I’m not comparing this phenom to bushman eyebrows either. We all know that those hairy suckers dont get ANY attention. To be quite honest, if you cant trim up the two inches of hair on your face, then we allllllll know what you look like downstairs, and that is exactly why you dont get hit on. Men dont want to have your pubes in their nose when they go down on you. (Not to mention the consistency of pubes is nappy and gross no matter what color your skin is, save it and shave it).
So we’ll consider the comparison, “normal” eyebrows. A natural thickness and consistency. Still well groomed, but thicker than the eyebrows most strippers have. But the stripper brows are consistently the brows that get all the attention. It doesnt matter that theyve plucked them so thin that you can see a definite white patch of skin where the sun didnt shine, it doesnt matter if they have razor/plucking burn and look like herpes attacked their forehead, it doesnt matter if they are permanently in the 2 options that super skinny eyebrows have: super surprised (over arched) or charlie brown (straight lines across). Like what am I supposed to do with that? Write my name on the straight line. God forbid anyone look a little natural anymore. Your either perpetually looking like someone shoved their dick in your ass by accident, or looking like you ate shit for breakfast. I dont get it.
Apparently it is too much to follow your natural browline anymore. Oh you dont know what your natural browline is? ITS THAT BONE CALLED YOUR SKULL THAT MAKES THE HARD SPOT ABOVE YOUR EYEBALLS. And CONVENIENTLY your eyesbrows happened to grow there before you started drawing them on two inches higher. Oh? Joan Rivers is your idol you say? That explains it.
Next time your out, just take a look at these women’s brows. Take a survey, see which ones get more looks from the male species. They like the mis-colored penciled brows. My only hope for these women is that their sex isn’t too rough and they don’t get rubbed off. Could you imagine waking up next to a girl after a hot night of drinking and sex, she turns over and you see one eyebrow? As if beer goggles weren’t enough, you’d have to have tequila goggles for that one. “Oh hey get the fuck out of my bed patches!”
In my spare time of doing nothing at all, I have witnessed a magical phenomenon occurring two houses down from me. The first is that it is my not so attractive neighbor- so who knows how he is pulling off this magical epic-ness. BUT he is totally boning two women at the same time. And hes not even being discrete about it, like he must want to get caught, or hes just lazy-which from his clear hatred of the gym, could be the winning answer.
His girlfriend drives this crud of a car sedan with bumper stickers all over it that say slutty things like “cowgirls do it better” with a picture of a cowgirl straddling a bull. CLEARLY we know why he is dating her. So her car is out there, and she leaves to go do whatever, and literally, her car is not even turning the corner, before his ex girlfriends badass sports car is pulling up the other end of the street. CLEARLY we know why he is dating her- sweet ride bitch. Oh and shes clearly a slut too because oh yeah you have no problems sleeping with someone else’s boyfriend. Like let him take a shower and wash of his girlfriend’s vagina juice at least before you pop over for a quickie.
I cant even put the math together why my semi attractive neighbor has not only one but TWO women. And okay, sure one is an ex, but still, wouldnt that make her more needy? Like “hun PLEASE can we get back together?” And your just a sick power tripper and like to have control. Because I know she isnt waking up in the morning and going “ahh I love being such a WHORE!” No. That is not happening.
And the funniest part is, is that she thinks we dont know. Like you dated this kid for years, we know you and your car, and you make for some entertaining drama. I know that the 80 year old man with the wrap around porch across the street is out there in his rocker watching your “Days of Our Lives” reality. Who needs daytime soaps when you have this.
And the poor girlfriend probably doesnt know. And if she does, shame on her. Its women that allow that that are enabling men to be such pigs.
Maybe if he didnt have so many prostitutes with their cars parking all over the road blocking it for the rest of his friendly neighbors to drive by we wouldnt notice his sexual endeavors. But since he insists of making a parking garage out of my road, we have nothing better to do than to bitch about shady sexual behavior.
Taken with instagram
So peoples, I had the most epic fail of a night a few days ago. Recently I have decided that a longtime friend would make the perfect booty call candidate. Actually more friends with benefits situation, but the important aspect of the relationship here is the BOOTY. Like without that, there is nothing. Well, we’re friends, but who wants to go back to being just friends after getting amazing dick? You cant even look at the person the same anymore, its like your at the bar, and the whole time your thinking about the magnetic attraction you have to his package and you stare at each other awkwardly across the bar all night, wondering if your gonna give it a go in the bathroom. Like cut the shit, give me the dick.
So back to the story, things were going swimmingly (ew not like that you perv) until he just decided, oops nope no more dick for you ma’am. Like WHAT! And he couldnt just say that like a normal BC would do, no he has to keep pretending like he has the intentions to keep doing me great, but then doesnt follow through. Dont do me dirty like that. And when I tell him I’m going to fire him, he says no Im being mean. Well then freaking do your job! DUH!
So (Wow I say so a lot huh?) I’m just enjoying some beer at the beach watching the sunset, when in my foamy-stupor I realize I am horny as fuck.
Text : “Your dick in my vagina 2 hours.”
Followed by some extra explicit texts saying what I’m going to do to him and his penis and balls, etc etc etc. Like the shit all dudes say they wish girls would say- BUT CLEARLY they dont because I DID NOT get to do those things. He was at the f-ing gym! First he says, “LMAO you dont know how much that just made me lol.” Well buddy, your not supposed to LOL your supposed to screw me! Then he goes, “holy text messages Im at the gym, relax!” Relax? I was relaxed until I realized that my super horny crotch wasnt going to get relief! How can I relax like that. Do you relax when you have blue balls? I think not.
Second problem here, your at the gym. The gym? Really?!?!?!? Boys, when you get a text that says a bunch of dirty things about your penis and balls being in a girls mouth and what lacey hot underwear she has on, do you really stay at the gym playing basketball with your buddy? No, GO HOME, turn the tunes on and get ready to have your dick sucked until next week. If I was a man, def not. Shit, Im a woman and I wouldnt do that. I’d be in my car in 2.5 seconds and home smelling good in my sexy panties with a “lets go bitch” look on my face. What is wrong with men these days? Theyre like females. Talk about role reversal. Apparently its too much to ask for consistent booty. Pshhh at the gym, baby I will give you a workout, so shut up and get up.
Taken with instagram
Taken with instagram
Taken with instagram
Nothing comes between a man, his truck, and his hound (Taken with instagram)